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Katrina Fergie-San.
28 November 2011 @ 12:44 pm
you lied.
Katrina Fergie-San.
23 February 2011 @ 02:53 am
 June 5th, 2010:
" Then we went to Devon's grandma's house and HER DAD IS SO SICK. <3 We sang five Rocky Horror songs together and Devon was like "O____O WTF ARE YOU TWO DOING THIS IS CRAZY" because we were singing and quoting exact quotes and omg it was the coolest thing ever. <3 And then he drove me to Kate's house and covered for me and told me he wanted to meet my mom and we talked about movies and he swears and just is... a teenager. He's a mature teenager, but he's old. He's so beautiful. He made me so happy. He's my favorite adult ever. XD "

To date yo
Current Mood: Sad
Current Music: Fix you
Katrina Fergie-San.
23 February 2011 @ 02:17 am
Oh God, I just... I just don't know if it will be alright.
I keep talking to you and praying for you and baby please, baby.
Please be okay.  Please be healthy and safe and okay.
I can't survive with this thought, oh God lullaby, sing me a happy song.
I hope everything is gonna be alright but I don't know if it will be alright.
Current Mood: Dry mouthes
Katrina Fergie-San.
24 January 2011 @ 01:52 pm
 and not name who I am specifically talking about.  However, I will tell you that I've been talking to this person a lot more lately, and I'm learning a lot about them.  Again, I don't want to exactly say who they are because I don't want to give away their personal respect, but they're a man of many masks who now seems to be just a face.  In a good way, (and negative too) he's no longer inanimate.  He was telling me and Simmy and Jack about his love life of many pasts, and taking us on many adorable and some really, really funny, and some very sad, memories.  And when they two were gone, it was just me and him talking, and so he was explaining something and I said, "one day I'll tell you my story.  I don't know when, but someday."  And then he told me to tell it now, but I was too modest and evaded it, and eventually he pressed the guessing button, so I decided just to delve into it.  I mean, I started with Frankie, and then worked up to Angel how he was the barrier that proved "I could" break from something that killed me, and he was the reason I met this person who I am in love with, because he knew your name and your existence but nothing about you.  And so I was telling the story, and I told him what the name of this seemingly minor character was, and he was like "Ooooooooooo.  That explains a lot actually." XDDD  And I told him the whole story and he laughed at the horrible, awfully hilarious things that everybody else sighed/gasped at me for, and he understood everything I told him and was more than okay with what made me sad and what made me feel amazing to relive in my head; and then he told me about a relationship he had that he didn't tell all of us about, and that explained how HE literally finished my sentences when I was explaining some of the things things.  It was such a nice night, because it got extremely comfortable to talk to him and it was the first time we were both honestly human with each other.  I feel like I haven't been a person with anybody in a long time.  And then he said, "You want to know the only thing I have a problem with, with this guy?"  "What?"  'That he has you."  I guess that's where he started getting weird, lately.   Not sexual-weird, no he's always done that, but now... sincerity ugh.  But it was okay then because he was such a person that night, and I didn't mind.  He was saying like, "You have a certain charm, I understand.  I think I fell in love with you a little."  And I gave him a very blunt hey now look and he said, "innocently, I mean, I'd still pay to see you naked, but innocently."   And now he's been all gushy and nnnfgf I don't know what to do other than be very obvious that he's gotta back up.  Oh God though, talking about life with him was amazing though, everything just made sense and words didn't need to be guarded, and he already had a hold on everything, and it was nice.  And hearing things about his life that I never knew.  Some of his memories were very, very sad though...  I hope he stops creeping on me though.  XD I really hope he stops.  I mean, of course, I love the compliments !!  But yeah, he should stick with that girl Julie he likes.  And make babies.  And write more plays and poems.  And live really happily ever after.  The end.
Katrina Fergie-San.
19 January 2011 @ 03:49 pm
 when I type your name in facebook
mine comes up right next to yours ?? <3<3
Katrina Fergie-San.
14 January 2011 @ 05:20 am
 I will tell the story about how Lost, the ending of, left me with a huge hole in my chest and then filled it up.
And shaking, staggering, crying, smiling, laughing, my baby came down and sang right to me.
Infinite is as close to me as forever.♥
Katrina Fergie-San.
10 January 2011 @ 10:00 pm
 K = Kiko : A Puerto-Rico Name
A = Alda : Rich
T = Timothy : Name of a Saint
R = Rachit : Invention
I = Ilona : Bright and Beautiful
N = Nayana : Eyes
A = Adipurush : Primordial Being. A Name for Lord Rama
G = Geet : song
A = Alaina : Dear Child
B = Brahmadavid : Father of all Davids.
R = Ritisha : The goddess of truth
I = Itahisa : An Aboriginal Princess
E = Edha : Prosperity
L = Lakshmoji : Lakshamana from Ramayana
L = LeAndra : Virtuous
E = Ekalavya : Dronachrya's Disciple
F = Freja : Noble Woman. Norse God of Fertility
E = Eira : A Welsh Name meaning Snow
R = Remedios : Redeeming Light
G = Gaurisuta : Son Of Gauri. Lord Ganesha
U = Ualani : A Hawaiian name meaning "Heavenly Rain"
S = Sai Jeevadhara : Support of All Living Beings. A Name for Shirdi Sai Baba
O = Ohas : Praise
N = Naimah(Na'Imah) : One who is Blessed

Facebook told me this. I love it for one reason <3 and one reason only.

Katrina Fergie-San.
09 January 2011 @ 04:45 am

If you are going to read this, I hope the video is waned so I can wax over it and not ruin the experience... it's much like a sleigh-ride, one that has been promised to me.  Cold, and warm.  December is over now, so I can breathe a while.  Okay, now, the video first!  Because it's very important that my knowledge now does not taint it.  Okay, I'm going now.  I see you there.

Watching this a second time over is still painful, but so much easier.  These sentences will be simple now.  It's so nice to know that the horrors, the empty, almost depressants are over in the end.  That the snow finally birthes a pure, shining heart tree.  And happiness is there.  And that old gray house, those weeds... bearing them was okay, because happiness is present in all spaces of life now.  It still hurts to stare and sit with them and bear it, but I know the secret now, that in the end, there's no more crying for sadness.  In the end, there's no more pain.  Only luscious land to explore.  Only you to explore.  Oh baby, I am so sorry for telling you and that whole bed of people that you could have manipulated me.  It's not until now, until this later, than I think the words in my mouth and they sound so repulsive.  (I want you so much closer than this.)  Let me just say, there was a criminal charge still filed against you, and my mean lady-lawyer told me that even if I did drop the order, it wouldn't mean I could talk to you.  I didn't do any shit for her though.  She came over and kept talking to me in the middle of the trial, saying, "remember what we talked about.  You're not going to say anything other than that right?"  She got pretty man when I started spurring off the truth about me and you, though.  Ain't what the lady wanted, right?  No, not for her, no.  It was so my mom's love.  She loves me so much, and she will feel so much more comfortable with the restraining order in place.  But let me tell you, as well, that it will end, yes!  Just, perhaps, if we don't talk to each other in this way that will get you in trouble and make you look so much more terrible to "them," (oh God them) my parents will let me talk to you.  I am telling you this now, and always: Never again will I do this restraining order thing.  Even if they have me counting wrong and adding bad and melted in lava and frozen in Santa's Village, I'm not going to get a second one or a one and a half one or whatever.  Never again.  This is it.  July.  Over.  You.  Me.  Us.  <3 Us, sweetheart.  Us.  (I need you so much closer.)  I am so sorry I said those awful things.  I hope you know why I wouldn't look at you when I said them.  Because I... because we both knew they were so wrong.  Because I love you, and believe in you always, I don't think you hold this to me at all, and I'm sure you understand well, but I am still so sorry.  Being a machine is not what I needed.  I just need you.  And now I have to wait because I wasn't brave enough for you.  Why... why didn't I just fight?  Right now, I fight for your face.  I never let it slip away from me.  I work back all the details, all the expressions, and man... you just looked through this frown that day.  I kept thinking, if only I had TWO fucking SECONDS with that face, I'd do all to just see it smile again, that's all I wanted.  Your smile.  Your happiness in a smile.  I didn't help it.  I didn't influence it...  I am so glad you didn't see me after that, baby.  My lady-lawyer tried to talk to me and asked if I felt better, but I was already crying and storming, fucking hurricane woman, and looking for you outside, wanting you so much closer.  The man who was on "our" side who was sweet to me and cared about me in a gentle way kept saying, "It's not your fault, honey, it's nothing you can do.  It's his choice, his responsibility."  And I kept saying, "But it was me who could have influenced it.  He hasn't listened to you or anybody in there but he might listen to me."  He kept saying, "honey, no, it's not your fault."

Anyways... So yeah, this a work of fiction and all that kind of mind jazz.  So don't use this kind of crap against me.
Katrina Fergie-San.
07 January 2011 @ 03:59 pm
 I wish Eric would come to school because I really need Crisis Core back.

I think... well, just been thinking out loud, dreaming verbally, so anybody without the mind of a talbot dog damnit can turn off their eyes and thoughts when mine come out.  I was dreaming that maybe we can live together when I go to college.  ♥  Instead of staying in a dorm there, I can just come home after school and you'll be there.  It can be tiny, with all our little trinkets, much like the s.c. man and his careful two-hour explanations.  As long as you are in it.  I don't know what it's like to work in college though.  Really, I know nothing about living alone.  Or, owning a house, that is.  I don't know if you still want to do these things after having seen me, though.  I don't know why I think this, but I really hope I'm wrong.  I really, really hope I am wrong.  It's probably just seeing you after being forced to keep apart.  Seeing you makes things real again.  On a level of knowing scary is real, and it's nothing that can be kept out of the covers.  But don't worry about me at all!  I'm doing very okay.  I suppose if I have nothing to worry about, I'll have nothing to celebrate if and when it ends.  I constantly ask God for little signs.  It's amazing how raspberry yogurt and a single name in the computer and a bird flying past and can say, "Don't have any fear because I'm doing all I can to tell you the rest of your life is going to be fine."  Just breathe, I say.  ♥  Just dream aloud.
Katrina Fergie-San.
 Me and my ego make our own fists and we punch the glass when we see each other in it.  I'm, again, doing this.  It's not so bad and not so good.  It makes me feel really sad, but I suppose sad is a neutral, and neutral is not bad.  Still, I've had to cry every time I finally get alone.  It's raining.  I wish it were raining on the outside too, though.  I'm so drenched and my surroundings do not relate.  I am so reluctant to go into detail, to say why, to say how disgusting I feel and how ugly in all of these different forms of all the different beasts, but there's somebody who I think might still read this and I knew if it were conversely the other way around, I would be inclined to rush to them, and I'm really, really hoping that doesn't happen- it's not that I don't like them, it's just that I can't have that for a little while.  Not until Britain repeals.  

I am man, I am mammal, I am art, I am magic.

The more I remember it, the more real it feels and... more... weird.  Just... weird.  Out of place, I suppose.  I should explain what I'm talking about, ljkey.  I saw this person who I haven't seen in so long.  And he holds all these really important memories and the whole world, really, that light-hearted atlas<3, and this whole life I just want to dive into and... Then he was THERE.  I just kept thinking about how he looked like a gorgeous lion... or a raven... maybe...<3  I know that half of this continent (as the rest are simply persuaded by my exotic charm... or sumthink,) will jump to their toes on this statement and give me a good head-lickin', but... let me tell you a little secret about that face that's going to flood this Earth sooner than could ever be thought... well, the second I saw him, the second I saw his body turn into a person and his face turn into a human, and then the whites of his eyes- that person, I just.  I knew.  I've known all along, but I'd never been SO fucking sure.  That is the person I was going to be with for as long as I live.  I knew, as soon as I saw him, that I was the one who was right all along.   And it's still so strange to think about his face and know it was real.  I wonder if I looked different too.  It's not a bad thing at all, he was beautiful.  Just strange.  Silent.  I spoke to his eyes.  I sent the holy dove across.  I thanked God.  

I think... what I only realized until late last night... I think I... hurt him.  I know for a fact it's going to be okay, but what if I did?  After I started saying all of the "bad" things, the subtle things to pull my parent's cause through, I couldn't look at this person because I had no words to tell his eyes, I just had to follow the prompt.  I think he may have thought he was going to walk out of there with me won.  I think he might have thought there was a chance.  And I never did more than consider the chance...  I've been so used to it having to "Stay like this" until July comes.  It's not bad that way.  My dad said if I do this, come summer, he'll give "the guy a chance."   And then he and my mom will trust this person a little more, if he is careful and remembers to not be stupid because I will be always one-stupider, and also, if he starts he will be in trouble and I can't stand him alone and hurt and cold and sad in that place anymore.  I can't have him going back there.  Never.  I promise: NEVER.  I won't ever let you have to hold your hands in those silver chains ever again.  But he, this person... after I finish talking, after I groped for the microphone and she said, "you can't say anymore," and I had to sit, he... didn't look at me at all.    Expect for once.  And he looked so unhappy.  And this would make so much sense if I line it up to what I'm afraid of.  What I've always been afraid of.  Savanna helped so much.  She said not to worry.  She said that he's so intelligent and will understand.  She said, "if he's ever been sure of anything... it's been you."  She tells me it's going to be okay because we're meant to be together, and she knows it too.  It's just me and my ego throwing each other again.  We're going to break into sand some day.  And somebody will have to count us to put us together again.  I'm so scared I let this person down, key.  So terrified.  I honestly hope if this person sees this, they won't try to say anything, because I know it's not fair to ask him to have no mouth when he needs to scream, but I just want him to know how much I feel and how I'm so sorry and how I love him so, and want him to absorb it all quietly.  O, my little lion. <3  I am talking to your eyes.  Your eyes haunt me.  I can't stop talking about them.  Even when my words make a shambling mound appear.  I am talking to your fucking eyes.  And then I'm taking them.  I will have you so much closer.

"This person" comes straight from my brain, and there should be no concern in trying to understand who I'm talking about, for I will be blunt and simply state that this is all experimental to see what I can do with words and emotions and eyes that I have never before felt.  What you are reading is only just a thought.  And heartbreaking, terrible/beautiful, euphoric thought.