http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkOKCWDJ4iA&feature=player_embedded
If you are going to read this, I hope the video is waned so I can wax over it and not ruin the experience... it's much like a sleigh-ride, one that has been promised to me. Cold, and warm. December is over now, so I can breathe a while. Okay, now, the video first! Because it's very important that my knowledge now does not taint it. Okay, I'm going now. I see you there.
Watching this a second time over is still painful, but so much easier. These sentences will be simple now. It's so nice to know that the horrors, the empty, almost depressants are over in the end. That the snow finally birthes a pure, shining heart tree. And happiness is there. And that old gray house, those weeds... bearing them was okay, because happiness is present in all spaces of life now. It still hurts to stare and sit with them and bear it, but I know the secret now, that in the end, there's no more crying for sadness. In the end, there's no more pain. Only luscious land to explore. Only you to explore. Oh baby, I am so sorry for telling you and that whole bed of people that you could have manipulated me. It's not until now, until this later, than I think the words in my mouth and they sound so repulsive. (I want you so much closer than this.) Let me just say, there was a criminal charge still filed against you, and my mean lady-lawyer told me that even if I did drop the order, it wouldn't mean I could talk to you. I didn't do any shit for her though. She came over and kept talking to me in the middle of the trial, saying, "remember what we talked about. You're not going to say anything other than that right?" She got pretty man when I started spurring off the truth about me and you, though. Ain't what the lady wanted, right? No, not for her, no. It was so my mom's love. She loves me so much, and she will feel so much more comfortable with the restraining order in place. But let me tell you, as well, that it will end, yes! Just, perhaps, if we don't talk to each other in this way that will get you in trouble and make you look so much more terrible to "them," (oh God them) my parents will let me talk to you. I am telling you this now, and always: Never again will I do this restraining order thing. Even if they have me counting wrong and adding bad and melted in lava and frozen in Santa's Village, I'm not going to get a second one or a one and a half one or whatever. Never again. This is it. July. Over. You. Me. Us. <3 Us, sweetheart. Us. (I need you so much closer.) I am so sorry I said those awful things. I hope you know why I wouldn't look at you when I said them. Because I... because we both knew they were so wrong. Because I love you, and believe in you always, I don't think you hold this to me at all, and I'm sure you understand well, but I am still so sorry. Being a machine is not what I needed. I just need you. And now I have to wait because I wasn't brave enough for you. Why... why didn't I just fight? Right now, I fight for your face. I never let it slip away from me. I work back all the details, all the expressions, and man... you just looked through this frown that day. I kept thinking, if only I had TWO fucking SECONDS with that face, I'd do all to just see it smile again, that's all I wanted. Your smile. Your happiness in a smile. I didn't help it. I didn't influence it... I am so glad you didn't see me after that, baby. My lady-lawyer tried to talk to me and asked if I felt better, but I was already crying and storming, fucking hurricane woman, and looking for you outside, wanting you so much closer. The man who was on "our" side who was sweet to me and cared about me in a gentle way kept saying, "It's not your fault, honey, it's nothing you can do. It's his choice, his responsibility." And I kept saying, "But it was me who could have influenced it. He hasn't listened to you or anybody in there but he might listen to me." He kept saying, "honey, no, it's not your fault."
Anyways... So yeah, this a work of fiction and all that kind of mind jazz. So don't use this kind of crap against me.